online information for the treatment, prevention and relief from herpes and genital herpes
Telling A Lover When One Has Herpes
Q I'm a 23-year-old college-educated woman with herpes who practices safe sex. I've developed feelings for my new lover and want to share my secret, but I'm too scared. Should I tell him?
A Yes. There are ethical and medical reasons for disclosing your condition to your new lover. Telling him limits the likelihood of your spreading the virus to him: He needs to know he has to use condoms at all times.
Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2). When the virus is active it causes contagious lesions, or sores, to appear on the genitals, but it can also be active and cause no recognizable symptoms. The American Social Health Association (ASHA) in North Carolina says the safest sex is always with a condom, even when there are no breakouts. For information and advice, read the book Managing Herpes: How to Live and Love With a Chronic STD by Charles Ebel (ASHA, $19.95 plus $5 shipping and handling). To order, write to P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park NC 27709, or call (800) 230-6039. You can visit wwww.ashastd.org; you might also contact the National Herpes Hotline, (919) 361-8488, 9:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M. EST, to talk to a trained counselor. This will bolster your self-esteem and prepare you for discussing the matter with your lover.
Pick a quiet afternoon or evening to have your conversation. Bring a copy of Ebel's book for reference in case you need it. You can begin by saying "We get along so well and I think we owe it to each other to be totally honest about our sexual histories. I want to tell you something very personal. A while back I discovered I had contracted herpes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I thought you should know."
Try to be calm and confident, but be prepared if he gets angry or feels betrayed. If this is the case, say something like "I understand your being upset. Tell me your thoughts and feelings so we can work through this together." Gently explain to him that this is an important health issue for both of you, and that you two need open dialogue to help you decide how to proceed in your relationship. You might also say to your man "I've read a lot about herpes and know how to minimize the risk of infection. But I want to be sure you're comfortable with this. Do you have any questions?"
If your lover decides to terminate the relationship, you know you did the right thing. Furthermore, you have the information you need for your next relationship.
Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, Ed.D., psychologist, certified sex counselor, lecturer and consultant for Fortune 500 companies, is also author of The Best Kind of Loving: A Black Woman's Guide to Finding Intimacy.
COPYRIGHT 1999 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
A Yes. There are ethical and medical reasons for disclosing your condition to your new lover. Telling him limits the likelihood of your spreading the virus to him: He needs to know he has to use condoms at all times.
Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2). When the virus is active it causes contagious lesions, or sores, to appear on the genitals, but it can also be active and cause no recognizable symptoms. The American Social Health Association (ASHA) in North Carolina says the safest sex is always with a condom, even when there are no breakouts. For information and advice, read the book Managing Herpes: How to Live and Love With a Chronic STD by Charles Ebel (ASHA, $19.95 plus $5 shipping and handling). To order, write to P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park NC 27709, or call (800) 230-6039. You can visit wwww.ashastd.org; you might also contact the National Herpes Hotline, (919) 361-8488, 9:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M. EST, to talk to a trained counselor. This will bolster your self-esteem and prepare you for discussing the matter with your lover.
Pick a quiet afternoon or evening to have your conversation. Bring a copy of Ebel's book for reference in case you need it. You can begin by saying "We get along so well and I think we owe it to each other to be totally honest about our sexual histories. I want to tell you something very personal. A while back I discovered I had contracted herpes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I thought you should know."
Try to be calm and confident, but be prepared if he gets angry or feels betrayed. If this is the case, say something like "I understand your being upset. Tell me your thoughts and feelings so we can work through this together." Gently explain to him that this is an important health issue for both of you, and that you two need open dialogue to help you decide how to proceed in your relationship. You might also say to your man "I've read a lot about herpes and know how to minimize the risk of infection. But I want to be sure you're comfortable with this. Do you have any questions?"
If your lover decides to terminate the relationship, you know you did the right thing. Furthermore, you have the information you need for your next relationship.
Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, Ed.D., psychologist, certified sex counselor, lecturer and consultant for Fortune 500 companies, is also author of The Best Kind of Loving: A Black Woman's Guide to Finding Intimacy.
COPYRIGHT 1999 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
posted by Stephan at 2/17/2005
<< Home